I could not stop it. It happened. We look eye to eye at each other and soon I’ll be look at up at him.
I admit a touch of fear in my eyes when I look at him. I hate that but it sometimes happens in times of transition. I just don’t know this new pre-man in my life yet. Just like I missed the baby until I fell in love with the boy.
What do I do with a teenage boy? First thing I did was take him to a gym and get him a trainer. I’ve always planned on getting him a trainer. I know he wants a new father but I am not able to give that to him. I can pay for a great man to hang out with him in the gym and to encourage him to take care of his body. I scored big time with this trainer! My sister found working in the gym behind my nieces dance class. He trains pro women body builders but has a gift for autistic children and so he takes on a handful of them.
What I’am willing to do to make money to support a teenaged autistic child while allowing myself to still be with him everyday is way beyond every boudary I’ve ever had for myself.
I’ve been humbeled and humliated my friends. I’ve been able to kill my ego and scrap myself up off the floor. Through it all I feel a calling in me. I feel a pull. There has always been this one thing in me that will not die. This must be the truest part of me. It’s when I am destroyed but still standing, that I look at my son and say fuck, we are meant to be together and that’s all I know.
My love for him has the brutallyity of original creation. A powerful force keeps me in orbit around him. And he grows……….